ethernet or interNOT

so i have this old, clunky thinkpad, a laptop i got from the way-back machine. it's six years old, older than my flowergirl, clarice (p.s. wedding in 18 days!!!). my computer has used so many different ways to connect to the internet, it must look like tangled hair with honey stuck in it, and maybe some gobs of bubblegum.

despite its age, i try to take my computer for a walk. we now have DSL in the new house, and to install it i bring up my old clunker and plug in all the wires and say, "okay, boy, run! go play!" but my computer didn't want to play with all the other computers on the internet. nope.

so i called sbc at&t yahoo!(tm). the guy was very condescending (can you click "ok" for me?), and had me delete a whole bunch of network connections on my computer and reboot. so my computer says, "ack! i don't know how to talk to other computers now! network drivers are disabled! help!"

so this guy, who's been telling me to cut my computer's tangled hair in huge gnarled chunks, then tells me, "well, i can't help you with this any more. you have to call microsoft. here's the number. call us back when you figure it out."

so i call microsoft. i get a pre-recorded message: "i'm sorry, but we no longer offer support for windows 95. to see our call numbers for other products, please visit us on the web."