Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted. Too bad I waited for insomnia to kick in.

Insomnia. Induced by pregnancy. Yes, confirmed today by a pregnancy test at Kaiser. Our first. Is it anxiety that's keeping me awake or just the hormones? I'm not feeling the continuous low level rage that's been broiling in my stomache over the past couple days. Should this concern me? Does that mean the baby is not healthy and shooting out hormones? I'm so not myself, I'm not even interested in finding a good book to curl up with. Something is definitely amiss...

All these crazy unpredictable chemicals in my body reminds me a lot of being a teenager. I locked myself in my room, listened to angry music, had angry screaming fights with my parents, moped around the school hallways, took off on walks to nowhere, thought my latest boy obsession would be able to solve all my problems... Okay, it's not exactly like that, but the unpredictable emotional state stuff really is humbling me. I've been so "happy" for the past...year? Two years? Just satisfied with life, content all the time, and I'm realizing that it is in a purely animal sense. Reminds me of the teaching that Jesus did not promise "happiness" but rather joy. Right now my body is rebelling against me because some baby parasite has leached into my uterus, and I am anything but happy. Still, I am joyful. Maybe I am hesitant to be openly joyful, because I'm so paranoid about miscarriage. But inside, I'm really excited.

I also joined Facebook this week, which has brought back a whole world of emotions. I look at all of these faces of my high school and college classmates...do they remember me? Looking at folks from college, my first thought is astonishment at how many people in my graduating class I don't know. Seriously, I don't have any clue who they are. If I know them, then 9 times out of ten, they are friends. Then I look at high school classmates...and it's a sea on familiar names and faces. But how many are friends? Very few. I'm at a stage in my life where I feel like anyone I know or meet can be a friend. Anyone in Cleveland I recognize in public instantly is marked "friend" and my mind is set on positive interaction. But high school classmates are a whole different story. Not that I feel negatively, but that there's still this ages-old barrier dividing us into self-imposed cliques. Suddenly I look at my profile with a whole new light when I think of high school classmates looking at it. Shame and insecurity suddenly cloud my enjoyment of reconnection. Or maybe again it's just those crazy hormones. Who knows?

I'm an animal! Emotions are just silly fleeting things. Thank God for pregnancy to teach me these silly things that are so obvious.